SE: In His Own Words — Stronger From Pain
Aug 28, 2019 | Football, Sports Extra
By Denzel Goolsby
It's my belief that the greatest power lies in forgiveness.
Forgiveness allows one to admit that you've been hurt. More importantly, it gives you the ability to move on. Forgiveness allows you to positively direct your life by accepting what you cannot change. When you can forgive, you ultimately become free. Free to learn what it's like to not be hurt by someone or something. Free to love.
It wasn't easy, but I found forgiveness after accepting my past. With it, I finally learned how to love others in a way that I had never experienced before. The kind of love that speaks so much louder than words. The kind I found in my team, friends and fiancé.
I will forever be thankful for the events that have led me to where I am today. Many of you know part of that story. However, while many of the struggles that I've faced have been related to my dad's death, the truth is that tragedy did not make me who I am today.
I love and will always love my dad. I remember, as a child, seeing him laugh as he sang to The Temptations in the car going to Dairy Queen on Sunday nights. I remember him having such a professional wardrobe that everyone respected the way he would dress. He was classy, sophisticated and an incredible businessman.
I also remember my father leaving at a moment's notice, being gone often, frequently putting my mom down, and using threats as a way to feel powerful. He was narcissistic, intimidating and secretive.
Again, I will always love my dad. But, for a few years, I didn't like him.
I went to Bishop Carroll Catholic High School in Wichita, where I often heard people tell me: "You act older than your age." I would laugh or smile at this, not really knowing how to respond, but deep down I knew why I seemed that way.
The fact is: I had to grow up fast.
When I was a freshman in high school, my older sister, Banner, found out that we had another sister my dad had with a woman during my parents' marriage. He kept this a secret until I was 14. When my mom told my dad what Banner had discovered, he exploded.
He left that night. I didn't hear from him for a very long time. I had no idea where he was.
It was just my mom and me at home after my parents divorced, and she struggled financially to make ends meet. At this point, we were forced to move.
We didn't have anything in our new house except a few suitcases. We couldn't have any furniture in the house because of a plumbing issue that flooded several areas. My mom and I slept on the floor with blankets for two weeks before someone could fix it.
At this time, there were so many things to fix in my life.
I missed my sister. I was angry at my dad. My heart broke for my mom. And I had another sister living in the same city as me, whom I'd never even known about and whom I wanted to know.
I felt lonely.
To keep my mind off all of this, I stayed constantly busy. I became obsessed with reading books; I realized that the more I learned, the more I had left to learn. I developed an extreme workout routine, and I worked odd jobs for anyone to make some extra money on the side because I knew I would need it.
I used every ounce of pain to mold me into the best version of myself. This is where I became a man. My pain became my fuel.
I started to wake up at 4 a.m. to work out for several hours before spending eight hours at school, two-plus hours at football practice and a few more doing homework. I didn't party or drink in high school because I wanted to avoid trouble. There were enough broken pieces I was trying to put together that I didn't need to add any more. I also knew if my mom saw how focused and determined I was, it would take some stress and pressure off of her.
On Saturday mornings during football season, I'd get up for a run. Then, I mowed yards all day and worked out in the evenings. On Sundays, I did landscaping work and mowed more lawns.
I frequently had leg injuries in high school, which, I later learned, was because of how often I trained with little to no rest.
But, in my world, there weren't any off days. My mom and I couldn't afford them.
I remember walking into Bank of America at 15 years old to talk to someone about setting up an investment account. The man asked how old I was and looked confused. He quickly discovered how serious I was. I left that day with an investment account funded from mowing and landscaping.
That account would not be enough, however. On the field, I knew I needed to earn a scholarship offer.
One time, coming home after practice, my mom was crying when I walked in. She was looking at bills. She told me: "If you want to go to college, you're going to have to get a scholarship."
Hearing that at 15 makes you grow up fast. That is real pressure, not playing in front of a packed stadium, but having your mother desperately need you to make it.
I received my first full-ride scholarship offer from the University of Northern Illinois that spring. After hearing the news, my mom broke down crying. Within two months, I received four more scholarship offers, and I verbally committed to Kansas State University. After visiting several times, I saw how there is a true family atmosphere in Manhattan. This meant everything to me.
My senior year at Bishop Carroll, we went undefeated for the second time in my career and won another state championship. I was announced as the Kansas Gatorade Player of the Year.
But, if you asked me what my greatest accomplishment was in high school, I would say it was how I handled the absence of my dad. And forgave him.
It was Christmas Eve 2014.
I reunited with my dad, a man I was fine with never seeing again up to this point. The energy to be angry at him was not helping me. I put up walls so people could not get to know me — the real me — so they could not hurt me by walking out of my life.
So, I decided to forgive my dad. It didn't erase our past, but our relationship became about moving forward. That evening, I hugged him and, for the first time, my beautiful sister, Savannah.
It was the first and only time I ever saw my father cry.
Six months later, I was in Manhattan to start my K-State career. My dad and I's relationship continued to slowly mend. We thought we had time. I was 18. My father, 58, was extremely healthy — never drank, ate really well and stayed on an intense workout routine.
But on June 24th, 2015, that all changed.
I woke up to go to class, only to see that I had dozens of missed calls and text messages from various family members. I knew something was terribly wrong.
My dad had a brain aneurysm. I drove straight to the hospital, but there was nothing the doctors could do. He died that day. For the first time since my dad walked out on his family my freshman year, I cried.
It felt like I lost him for the second time. I put on the same suit I wore to my senior prom for his funeral. Life changes fast.
My perspective on life quickly changed as well. I now try to live every day with a grateful attitude because each day really is a blessing. My dad's death was only the start of this lesson, too.
A few months after losing my dad, my grandma passed away. During my sophomore year at K-State, my other grandma passed away. This past football season, my closest uncle, Ernie Goolsby, had a heart attack and died.
I know how to overcome painful challenges. I've faced them time and time again, in multiple ways.
I tore all of the ligaments that connect to my AC joint in my left shoulder on the third play of the 2017 Cactus Bowl against UCLA. When it ended, I was (painfully) hoisting a Defensive MVP trophy.
I did this at a position (safety) I had never played before my redshirt freshman year at K-State. I was a running back my entire life. But I went at the position change the only way I knew how: All out.
One season after the switch, I started every game at safety. I led the Big 12 in tackles amongst safeties. I was injured again during the second game last season. Still, I finished the season as a starter.
But, if you were to ask me what my greatest accomplishment has been in college, I would say how I handled the unexpected death of my dad. And how I grew from it.
My freshman year at K-State, I decided to sign up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program. My "Little," Shannon, was 8 years old at the time. We now frequently spend time together, playing basketball, going to the pool, competing in Monopoly, or eating at Chipotle, his favorite spot. We've grown incredibly close.
With Shannon, I quickly learned that my struggles only increased my capacity and drive to want to positively impact others. So, I give back every chance I get.
I donate tours of the Vanier Family Football Complex for Jamie's Wish Foundation, which raises money for cancer patients. I connect with several underprivileged children in the Manhattan community because I know that they're capable of overcoming the challenges they face. I use my story to remind them that the path they're on can sharpen them, if they make the right choices.
Looking back, it would have been easy to see the lack of a father figure in my life, my mom's broken spirit, our lack of financial stability and make excuses for myself. Instead, it pushed me to receive a scholarship to K-State, where I met my fiancé. It propelled me to earn a business degree this past May. It motivated me to pursue my MBA, which I'll finish in May of 2020.
This isn't about me anymore. It's about raising the standard for my future children.
During the past year I've networked with numerous companies to align myself to be in a good position after college to start my sales career. In interviews, managers have asked me to describe a time when I was faced with adversity and had to overcome it.
I smile, before thinking of which situation to use as my example.
The theme of them all: It's not about what happened; it's how it happened.
It's not that my parents got divorced; it's how my dad walked out, and I didn't know where he was at.
It's not that I had to work hard; it's how I was sleep deprived from school, football and working to help my mom pay bills.
It's not that my dad passed away; but how it was out of nowhere, after we reconciled only six months before.
It's not that I lost a family member, it's how I lost four within three years.
It's not that I had to change positions; it's how I was switching to a position and a side of the ball I had never played on before in my life.
But, as all of this taught me, it's not about what you face.
It's how you respond to it.
I saw first-hand what a broken family looked like. This motivates me to want to be the best future husband that I can possibly be, and down the road, the best father. So, at 21 years old when I knew I had met the woman of my dreams, I didn't hesitate to propose to Katie Cramer. Katie, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
My mother, who has consistently put her children first, is the definition of selfless. Mom, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for all of the sacrifices you had to make for me to be where I'm at today.
My older sister Banner, who is a teacher in Denver, Colorado, has the biggest heart and goes out of her way to make an impact on people. Banner, I'm constantly inspired by you.
My older brother, LJ, may only be my half-brother, but I would never consider him "half-family." I admire how he always puts his amazing wife and two daughters first and still is a very successful businessman. LJ, thank you for being a great role model for me.
My other older half-sister on my mom's side, Rachel, has consistently welcomed our broken, beautiful family into her home to celebrate the holidays. She knew that Banner and I needed a place away from everything to call home when our parents got divorced. Rachel, thank you for always having a place at your table for me.
My younger sister, Savannah, is a freshman at Kansas State University. She's a bright and beautiful girl, and I'm so proud of her. Savannah, growing up without the chance to know you and be your big brother is frustrating, but I promise we'll make up for lost time and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
To anyone holding anger in their heart, take it from me: Accept what is, look in the mirror, make more effort to love, make more effort to live.
It's my belief that the greatest power lies in forgiveness.
Forgiveness allows one to admit that you've been hurt. More importantly, it gives you the ability to move on. Forgiveness allows you to positively direct your life by accepting what you cannot change. When you can forgive, you ultimately become free. Free to learn what it's like to not be hurt by someone or something. Free to love.
It wasn't easy, but I found forgiveness after accepting my past. With it, I finally learned how to love others in a way that I had never experienced before. The kind of love that speaks so much louder than words. The kind I found in my team, friends and fiancé.
I will forever be thankful for the events that have led me to where I am today. Many of you know part of that story. However, while many of the struggles that I've faced have been related to my dad's death, the truth is that tragedy did not make me who I am today.
I love and will always love my dad. I remember, as a child, seeing him laugh as he sang to The Temptations in the car going to Dairy Queen on Sunday nights. I remember him having such a professional wardrobe that everyone respected the way he would dress. He was classy, sophisticated and an incredible businessman.
I also remember my father leaving at a moment's notice, being gone often, frequently putting my mom down, and using threats as a way to feel powerful. He was narcissistic, intimidating and secretive.
Again, I will always love my dad. But, for a few years, I didn't like him.
Becoming a Man
I went to Bishop Carroll Catholic High School in Wichita, where I often heard people tell me: "You act older than your age." I would laugh or smile at this, not really knowing how to respond, but deep down I knew why I seemed that way.
The fact is: I had to grow up fast.
When I was a freshman in high school, my older sister, Banner, found out that we had another sister my dad had with a woman during my parents' marriage. He kept this a secret until I was 14. When my mom told my dad what Banner had discovered, he exploded.
He left that night. I didn't hear from him for a very long time. I had no idea where he was.
It was just my mom and me at home after my parents divorced, and she struggled financially to make ends meet. At this point, we were forced to move.
We didn't have anything in our new house except a few suitcases. We couldn't have any furniture in the house because of a plumbing issue that flooded several areas. My mom and I slept on the floor with blankets for two weeks before someone could fix it.
At this time, there were so many things to fix in my life.
I missed my sister. I was angry at my dad. My heart broke for my mom. And I had another sister living in the same city as me, whom I'd never even known about and whom I wanted to know.
I felt lonely.
To keep my mind off all of this, I stayed constantly busy. I became obsessed with reading books; I realized that the more I learned, the more I had left to learn. I developed an extreme workout routine, and I worked odd jobs for anyone to make some extra money on the side because I knew I would need it.
I used every ounce of pain to mold me into the best version of myself. This is where I became a man. My pain became my fuel.
I started to wake up at 4 a.m. to work out for several hours before spending eight hours at school, two-plus hours at football practice and a few more doing homework. I didn't party or drink in high school because I wanted to avoid trouble. There were enough broken pieces I was trying to put together that I didn't need to add any more. I also knew if my mom saw how focused and determined I was, it would take some stress and pressure off of her.
On Saturday mornings during football season, I'd get up for a run. Then, I mowed yards all day and worked out in the evenings. On Sundays, I did landscaping work and mowed more lawns.
I frequently had leg injuries in high school, which, I later learned, was because of how often I trained with little to no rest.
But, in my world, there weren't any off days. My mom and I couldn't afford them.
I remember walking into Bank of America at 15 years old to talk to someone about setting up an investment account. The man asked how old I was and looked confused. He quickly discovered how serious I was. I left that day with an investment account funded from mowing and landscaping.
That account would not be enough, however. On the field, I knew I needed to earn a scholarship offer.
One time, coming home after practice, my mom was crying when I walked in. She was looking at bills. She told me: "If you want to go to college, you're going to have to get a scholarship."
Hearing that at 15 makes you grow up fast. That is real pressure, not playing in front of a packed stadium, but having your mother desperately need you to make it.
I received my first full-ride scholarship offer from the University of Northern Illinois that spring. After hearing the news, my mom broke down crying. Within two months, I received four more scholarship offers, and I verbally committed to Kansas State University. After visiting several times, I saw how there is a true family atmosphere in Manhattan. This meant everything to me.
My senior year at Bishop Carroll, we went undefeated for the second time in my career and won another state championship. I was announced as the Kansas Gatorade Player of the Year.
But, if you asked me what my greatest accomplishment was in high school, I would say it was how I handled the absence of my dad. And forgave him.
Reunited Feeling
It was Christmas Eve 2014.
I reunited with my dad, a man I was fine with never seeing again up to this point. The energy to be angry at him was not helping me. I put up walls so people could not get to know me — the real me — so they could not hurt me by walking out of my life.
So, I decided to forgive my dad. It didn't erase our past, but our relationship became about moving forward. That evening, I hugged him and, for the first time, my beautiful sister, Savannah.
It was the first and only time I ever saw my father cry.
Six months later, I was in Manhattan to start my K-State career. My dad and I's relationship continued to slowly mend. We thought we had time. I was 18. My father, 58, was extremely healthy — never drank, ate really well and stayed on an intense workout routine.
But on June 24th, 2015, that all changed.
I woke up to go to class, only to see that I had dozens of missed calls and text messages from various family members. I knew something was terribly wrong.
My dad had a brain aneurysm. I drove straight to the hospital, but there was nothing the doctors could do. He died that day. For the first time since my dad walked out on his family my freshman year, I cried.
It felt like I lost him for the second time. I put on the same suit I wore to my senior prom for his funeral. Life changes fast.
My perspective on life quickly changed as well. I now try to live every day with a grateful attitude because each day really is a blessing. My dad's death was only the start of this lesson, too.
A few months after losing my dad, my grandma passed away. During my sophomore year at K-State, my other grandma passed away. This past football season, my closest uncle, Ernie Goolsby, had a heart attack and died.
I know how to overcome painful challenges. I've faced them time and time again, in multiple ways.
I tore all of the ligaments that connect to my AC joint in my left shoulder on the third play of the 2017 Cactus Bowl against UCLA. When it ended, I was (painfully) hoisting a Defensive MVP trophy.
I did this at a position (safety) I had never played before my redshirt freshman year at K-State. I was a running back my entire life. But I went at the position change the only way I knew how: All out.
One season after the switch, I started every game at safety. I led the Big 12 in tackles amongst safeties. I was injured again during the second game last season. Still, I finished the season as a starter.
But, if you were to ask me what my greatest accomplishment has been in college, I would say how I handled the unexpected death of my dad. And how I grew from it.
Adversity Advantage
My freshman year at K-State, I decided to sign up for the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program. My "Little," Shannon, was 8 years old at the time. We now frequently spend time together, playing basketball, going to the pool, competing in Monopoly, or eating at Chipotle, his favorite spot. We've grown incredibly close.
With Shannon, I quickly learned that my struggles only increased my capacity and drive to want to positively impact others. So, I give back every chance I get.
Looking back, it would have been easy to see the lack of a father figure in my life, my mom's broken spirit, our lack of financial stability and make excuses for myself. Instead, it pushed me to receive a scholarship to K-State, where I met my fiancé. It propelled me to earn a business degree this past May. It motivated me to pursue my MBA, which I'll finish in May of 2020.
This isn't about me anymore. It's about raising the standard for my future children.
During the past year I've networked with numerous companies to align myself to be in a good position after college to start my sales career. In interviews, managers have asked me to describe a time when I was faced with adversity and had to overcome it.
I smile, before thinking of which situation to use as my example.
The theme of them all: It's not about what happened; it's how it happened.
It's not that my parents got divorced; it's how my dad walked out, and I didn't know where he was at.
It's not that I had to work hard; it's how I was sleep deprived from school, football and working to help my mom pay bills.
It's not that my dad passed away; but how it was out of nowhere, after we reconciled only six months before.
It's not that I lost a family member, it's how I lost four within three years.
It's not that I had to change positions; it's how I was switching to a position and a side of the ball I had never played on before in my life.
But, as all of this taught me, it's not about what you face.
It's how you respond to it.
Moving Forward
I saw first-hand what a broken family looked like. This motivates me to want to be the best future husband that I can possibly be, and down the road, the best father. So, at 21 years old when I knew I had met the woman of my dreams, I didn't hesitate to propose to Katie Cramer. Katie, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
My mother, who has consistently put her children first, is the definition of selfless. Mom, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for all of the sacrifices you had to make for me to be where I'm at today.
My older sister Banner, who is a teacher in Denver, Colorado, has the biggest heart and goes out of her way to make an impact on people. Banner, I'm constantly inspired by you.
My older brother, LJ, may only be my half-brother, but I would never consider him "half-family." I admire how he always puts his amazing wife and two daughters first and still is a very successful businessman. LJ, thank you for being a great role model for me.
My other older half-sister on my mom's side, Rachel, has consistently welcomed our broken, beautiful family into her home to celebrate the holidays. She knew that Banner and I needed a place away from everything to call home when our parents got divorced. Rachel, thank you for always having a place at your table for me.
My younger sister, Savannah, is a freshman at Kansas State University. She's a bright and beautiful girl, and I'm so proud of her. Savannah, growing up without the chance to know you and be your big brother is frustrating, but I promise we'll make up for lost time and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
To anyone holding anger in their heart, take it from me: Accept what is, look in the mirror, make more effort to love, make more effort to live.
Players Mentioned
DB
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